I Know Alyssa Jones

How to photograph a comedian in 5 steps or less.

1.find alcohol, cheap alcohol.(I think we hit up at least 3 liquor stores)

2. Bake.  Notice how the cupcakes come out of the oven; hot, delicious and already frosted! Amazing!

3. Enjoy no longer carbonated alcohol and party favors.

4. Be classy.

5. Ah, the end is near.  Now to sit back, relax, and enjoy a cup of joe with your neighborhood llama.

And now a word or two from the lady herself:

“There were a number of things I wanted to be as a child: April O’Neil of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, an Olympic figure-skating champion, a Boxcar Child, Clare Huxtable from The Cosby Show. All of these were clearly far outside the realm of possibility because the majority of these  were fictional characters, not to mention I was also too fat of a child to do a double-axel, much less be lifted by my closeted skating partner/husband. However, these deeply buried childhood dreams have created an ample supply for a comedic imagination. Comedy has been and continues to be a journey of trial and error. I hate all those bitches that say they were a hilarious kid that always put on plays for their family. I call bullshit. At least not for this diva. I was a hella timid child with a biting wit and murmured resentment of my peers comparable to a Daria/Peggy Olsen (of Mad Men) hybrid: brilliantly muffled, muffledly brilliant, call it what you wanna call it. The first time I told a joke onstage was in 4th grade and I completely bombed. REALTALK. Naturally, I figured I was ahead of my time. I dabbled in sketch-writing in high school and trained in improv comedy - a more off-the-cuff, unwritten form of scenework - at a small theater in West L.A. called The Ultimate Improv. The class and instructor, J.D. Walsh, were absolutely terrific. It birthed a spirit of collaboration and trust between the performers that there really is nothing to compare to. I don’t think a lot of people can read their lovers as well as some improvisers can read their colleague/s. The best thing I ever did was get onstage again to do stand-up a decade after the 4th grade bombing, in my first year of college. Local SF Comedian, Doug Holsclaw, taught a Stand-Up Comedy class there and I thought it a good place to put my chops to a real and brutal test. There was very little format, just a prompt to write about your family or politics or write in pairs, etc. The answer was in the laughs and the applause: I could write jokes that make my peers laugh. Hard. Awesome. I tried my shot at sketch comedy, writing and performing in extremely talented groups: Sunshine Fortress and the all-female group, Boner Patrol. Both groups enjoyed wide praise from audiences and critics alike, but as with most collaborations, people went their separate ways. With no improv to my liking in town, I took back to stand-up comedy like a moth back to its hilariously burny flame. And nothing has felt more perfect for this bizarre twenty-something juncture in life. It is still early in my official stand-up career as I would only say I’ve been truly “professional” and performing between 5-10 times a week on average for the past six months, it has been a great workout for comedy writing and delivery. It’s pretty cliche of stand-ups to say, but it is really true: when it’s all on you, the rewards are that much greater as are the setbacks. But working individually gives me the opportunity to transform the jokes that didn’t work or the awkward interaction with an audience member into something better at a far quicker rate than I would be able to in a group. And it’s terrific. Regardless, I still treat my stand-up as a collaborative experience. Even if the audience is a sea of douchebags, I do my best to interact and involve their experience because it is just way more fun that way for them and for me. Plus, people get a lot more attentive when they realize you’re not a television set. Seeing as how I’ve made a mental shift from considering comedy as a hobby or fantasy to what is now a career pursuit, the future means a lot of work. I’ll be writing, editing, and rewriting forever to hone jokes for you, my beloved audience members and of course for my own narcissistic satisfaction.

I can be seen regularly throughout San Francisco at the Deco Lounge (Mondays), Club Deluxe (Mondays), the Brainwash (Wednesdays and Thursdays), the Dark Room, Our Little Theater, The Stud, Pirate Cat Radio and perhaps most excitingly on June 10th at the Sub-Mission Gallery on 18th and Mission. I’ll be producing my own variety-show (translation: amazing) involving all forms of comedy I discussed in this bio - sketch, improv, and stand-up - with outstanding, regularly-headlining comedians from all over the Bay Area. It’ll be a blast. And it’s free with the purchase of two drink tickets ($6)! And I can officially and without libel state that (a white guy named) Michael Jordan will be there.”