I Know Alyssa Jones

Lately, I have been so busy slangin’ coffee, watching all the seasons of 30 Rock on Netflix, and saving the world, that I haven’t had much time to photograph.  So today, instead of masturbating furiously to free porn(thanks pornhub.com!), I decided to take my short gay ass down to the Tenderloin for a photography adventure. Here be the fruit of my loins..in the loin(OH SNAP!):

I sort of zig zagged through the entire loin, starting on Bush..making my way to Powell.  I made my first stop at 824 Hyde. 

I was at work the morning this happened(I work on Bush st), and about 13 firetrucks/ambulances flew by.  About an hour or so later a customer insisted on showing my coworker and I the 3 pictures he had taken of the fire, on his shitty little digital camera…so we didn’t feel left out of the action. 

..TO INFINITY…

As I made my way through the TL, I couldn’t help but notice that some of the homeless folks had bigger houses than I did.  I was jealous. 

Take a look at this modest 3br….

Or, feast your eyes on this furnished…piece of furniture…better fucking headboard than I have. 

Here are two humble haciendas…a comfy bed complete with a breathtaking city view..

Too much fancy-shmancyness for ya?  Well the fuck you..you can be like this dude..

In addition to the beautiful homes downtown, there is also some really..unique tagging..that makes zero fucking sense. 

Are we trying to be racist?  Is this face eating a pizza? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait..Blade? NOT LIKE THE MOVIE STUPID! Oh, you mean BLADE, the one who walks with me! I totally get it!

Okay so I know what an AK-47 is, and I know what crime is, and im assuming that by ‘phunky’ they’re being clever..and really mean ‘funky’..but what the fuck is ‘deliquint’..I dont get it..

On a side note: the Tenderloin is a little bit bossy..

…telling me to be quiet..

..telling me HOW to open a door…

..tellin me to close the door ‘plz’…(Look honey!!! It took me all day to write the letters on this fancy sign I made for the door, It took me so long that when I got to the word ‘please’ I just went with ‘plz’)

A classic…

Excuse me, tenderloin, I will get cash wherever I dam well please..and by the way, who’s yelling?

..not me, because apparently, there is NO LOUD TALKING allowed around here. 

The TL is so busy making bossy signs that it forgot to REFILL THE FUCKING CANDY MACHINE..

..I know, it made me sad too. 

I walked by the Minx and saw this sign..

..Im glad that the Minx Staff’s eyes aren’t everywhere, because that’s creepy. Also, only a FEW thefts? No big deal…

I always forget that there are multiple parks in the loin.  It makes sense because there are a shit ton of families living in this area, it just never crosses my mind. Maybe because im not 8, or maybe because im not a child molester. If you ARE a child molester, check out this sweet spot, perfect for viewing the kiddies playing..

Speaking of kickin back, and people watchin, I passed by this dude..just standing around by his sweet ride..

“I GO GO GO IN MY HOVER ROUND, INDOORS OUTDOORS, ALL OVER TOWN!”

I dont really have anything clever to say about these two images, they just look funny..lazy fucking furniture…

I’ve walked past this store tons of times, but i’ve never gone in…

..mostly becasue this sign scares me..

There are alot of stores like this in the loin, where from the outside it just looks like a bunch of shit jammed in a tiny room. They scare me, so I do not enter. I am small, and I get lost easily. Its dangerous. 

I was in the zone..THE ZONE…when some guy yelled at me.  I didnt think anything of it until HE WOULDNT STOP, so I turned around..he only wanted me to take his picture..so I did. 

Before I moved here I was walking around Polk when a homeless man asked me to take his picture, and I did.  I started to walk away and he yelled, “now let me take YOURS”.  Oh sure, take my camera..

…Now that I live in San Francisco, I feel like I forget all about the holidays.  I dont see 42 pumpkin patches/xmas tree lots on my drive to and from work, so I forget that ‘its that time of the year’.  So here are two pumpkin pictures…happy halloween!

I kind of laughed when I walked by this stand and saw ‘pie pumpkin’. “Hahaha, stupids, PIE pumpkin..”..Then I walked by a different stand, an hour later, and they had the same type of pumpkin and the sign said ‘pie pumpkin’.  I don’t know what the difference between a pie pumpkin and a regular pumpkin is..but apparently there is one.  Looks like im the douche. 

Something gross happened here…

…Ugh I hate Doritos. 

One of the things I miss about the suburbs are the amazing thrift stores.  Now, I know what your thinking, “what the fuck are you talking about…SF has alot of great thrift stores”…no douchebaggie, your wrong.  SF does have thrift stores, they just suck ass.  Why?  Because in the suburbs there are only a handfull of hip-artsy kids, SF, on the other hand, is chock full of those fuckers.  It’s WAY easier to find thrift store gems in the ‘burbs because there isnt 2,000 other hipsters looking for that one record..or that one polaroid camera..All the good shit is gone at most of the thrift stores in the city….that being said, today, I stumbled upon this fantstic place…

This place is on Turk..and the goods there are cheap, really cheap.  I got myself a pair of converse for 5$..as well as a 3$ cardigan.  Not too shabby.  And the staff, which I assume were volunteers, actually said hello to me when I walked in. Epic. 

..and after hours trolling around the loin, I finally made my way up Polk, back to the comforts of my closet-sized apartment.  I was stopped in my tracks by this..

If you cant read the sign..here is a closer look..

Yes, foote..and that appears to be a hoof? Did this stuff belong to Mr. Tumnus? 

….I decided to have a peek inside one of the drawers..

POOP!  There was POOP inside the drawer. What…the….fuck. 

..I have to say..that was a marvelous and very loin-y way to end my photo adventure. 

And the moral of the story is: Just when you think your bored of SF, just when you think you’ve seen all there is to see in this wonderful city, BAM! theres a FOOTE dresser set with POOP in the top drawer. 

The End. 

So today was my FIRST, yes first, time at Farm Table.  And for some reason, I felt the need to bring my camera along, photograph my food, and then come home and blog about it.  

I wish I had written down the menu so I could at least say what I enjoyed eating.  I will say one thing though…Farm Table is delicious and NOT RIDICILIOUSLY EXPENSIVE.  I though it would be, for some reason. 

My roomie and I both got toast, hers came with fruit, mine came with eggs.  I love eggs. From my head down to my legs. And let me just say, it was fucking delicious.  I wish I was classy enough to know how I was supposed to eat it…but eh..I managed. 

I had already had coffee, but I couldn’t resist getting the “tendernob”.  Not only was it friggin’ adorable, it was tasty.  Also, it had a heart…my latte art is crap, so I was impressed. 

If you want to visit the lover-ly Farm Table it is located in the good ol’ TL..on Post between Leavenworth and Jones..and after, go treat yourself to a salted carmel..or caramel..whatever.. at Hookers Sweet Treats on Hyde!